10 Things About Suffering From Depression
1. High and Lows
A wonderful thing about the twenties is that, in many ways, it's a time of trial and error. You can still get away with dyeing your hair green or learning something new just because you feel like it. The twenties are a decade of first times, but on the downside, with every new start it seems like you're saying goodbye to something else. Because of this, the twenties are also characterized by loss, whether it's losing your first job or first love. You're also expected to move out, away from your family and childhood friends, and suddenly it feels like your're treading water, not quite knowing where to go next.
When you suffer from depression, that treading-water moment seems to last forever. Sometimes, when the depression is especially strong, all you seem to want to do is give in to the water and sink to the bottom.
2. Pressure and Isolation
There's a tremendous amount of pressure put on you when you're in the twenties or mid twenties. You want to succeed in your relationships, your jobs, your finances, all before you hit 30. With depression, this pressure becomes impenetrable, a thick fog that hovers over your head, telling you not to bother - you won't even achieve anything anyway.
When this fog comes rolling in, isolation seems like the logical next step : " Everyone is better than me anyway. I deserve to be alone." And so you slowly shut down. I spent most of my time at work or in my room, trying to figure out why everyone else was ahead of me, why they were enjoying life, why they were achieving things, why they were happy.
While isolation can be healthy, it can also completely suffocate you. When there's no one to interrupt your thoughts, you get caught in a negative cycle. That's why it's important to reach out to someone to get another perspective.
3. Irrational Anger
Depression and anxiety can lead to irritation with small everyday things that somehow manage to dominate your entire daily routine. There were times I'd run out of shampoo or cash and scold myself for not foreseeing this extreme failure, then retreat back to bed and declare that the day was doomed :"Maybe I'll try again tomorrow."
This isn't an ideal way to be when you're trying to become a fully fledged adult.
4. Feeling Like A Fraud
Depression often comes with a voice that tells you you're worthless, that everything you achieve is meaningless - which is why, when you do achieve something, instead of praising yourself, you get a sinking feeling that you've somehow manipulated your way into this achievement, that you don't deserve it, you're a fraud.
When I was offered my current job I felt an intense joy for 2 minutes, and then the crippling fear kicked in that it was all going to go terribly wrong. I refreshed my inbox 488,934 times to see if the offer hadn't evaporated, and when I was convinced that I really did get the job I felt terribly annoyed at myself : I'd somehow tricked these people into hiring me, and surely within one day they'd realize how shit I was.
Because of this, I can't remember my first day, or my first week. I went to the toilet on the hour to splash water on my face and keep it together, reminding myself, "You haven't done anything wrong, you're doing OK, " and as the days went by I was able to breathe easier and not worry so much.
The cheat sheet to being overwhelmed by these kind of negative thoughts, the kind that swarm your head like angry bees, is to isolate them, and more importantly counter them, one by one, so you can dig yourself out of the negative spiral.
5. Comparing Yourself
Because everything that happens to you in the twenties seems important and momentous, everyone documents all their milestones online. Of course it's great that milestones are celebrated, but seeing everyone's engagements, holidays, and successes on Instagram makes it very easy to compare yourself with everyone else in your age group.
They all seems to have better jobs and more friends and are in better shape, while you're just trying to figure out how to get through the day without crying inexplicably, or how you're going to get on the bus without having to run off because it's crowded and you're terrified you'll pass out.
6. The Fishbowl
Sometimes, I imagine depression to take the shape of a fishbowl surrounding you, especially when it's mixed with the anxiety of social situations. Let's say you're having dinner with friends in a restaurant: You want to be present, but your head feels heavy and suddenly it's like you're looking at everyone else through a fishbowl. The social anxiety has caused a disconnection between you and everyone else.
If you're like me and you've lived with this for as long as you can remember, it can be all the more frustrating. You know how your brain works, you're used to this feeling of disassociation, but annoyingly, you can't seem to prevent it.
You start to have a battle with yourself :" I want to be present, but I can't." Part of you wants to burst out of your aquarium and thrust yourself into the moment, but another part wants to lift your whole body inside of that fishbowl, curl up, hug your knees, and wait for it all to be over.
7. Relapses
Many people who suffer from depression in their twenties or mid twenties will have experienced depression at an earlier stage in life. After my first depressive episode I went through the motions of recovery, which involved counseling, group therapy, medication, a ton of peppermint tea, and a new love for writing. I've included some songs or photos in my so called diary. I think it was the act of writing that helped make me feel that I was part of the world, and not just a bystander.
I wasn't naive enough to think that that would be it, but when the symptoms came back again I did feel a sense of shame, and that going back to my medication was somehow a defeat.
On the flipside, being able to recognize that it was depression knocking on my door meant I could speed the process up a bit. In the past, I'd spent a lot of time going back to the doctor for things like "chronic fatigue" and "low blood sugar". I've had many needles poked into me, especially when I insisted that I must have low blood pressure, because why else did I pass out in public all the time?
It's very important to accept yourself, your body, and your mental health. Depression isn't your fault, it doesn't make you crazy, and, more important, it's nothing to be ashamed about.
8. Sex
Sex and depression are often incompatible, because how can you love someone when you can't love yourself? How can you get undressed in front of someone or lose yourself in the moment? On top of that, many antidepressants and SSRI are associated with a decrease in libido and an inability to orgasm.
9. Sleeplessness
Okan Caliyurt writes in Sleep and Quality of Life in Clinical Medicine that the most common sleep disturbance associateed with depression in insomnia. The relationship between insomnia and depression is bidirectional, meaning it's one of the symptoms of depression as well as a risk factor for depression. Not being able to sleep is a incredibly frustrating. Sleep, like breathing, is something that should come to you naturally. When it stops happening effortlessly, and you start trying too hard, things become problematic.
Everyone has different ways to cope with their insomnia ; luckily there's internet, a place that truly never sleeps. Just do a quick search and you'll find tons of forums and communities of people who are similar to you, and perhaps they also suffer from depression and share your struggle. The problem with these forums is that well-intentioned support can lead to the wrong type of support. When self-destructive behavior is normalized. It's easy to continue and not seek help. If insomnia is taking over your life, then you need to seek help.
10. Boredom
Depression is boring. Staying at home because you just don't have it in you to leave the house is boring. Lying in bed for weeks in the same clothes is boring.
There's a stereotypical image of a twenty something slacker bingeing their life away on Netflix and takeaway pizzas. That image isn't someone with depression. Depression ruins your favorite movies, let alone your relationship with food.
When your self-worth is at an all-time low, it seems futile to take care of yourself, go outside, or indulge in your favorite activities. However, it's precisely the small things - such as showering , brushing your hair, and making breakfast - that are important for recovery. Set yourself little goals you can tick off,no matter how small they seem.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life, but always remember that there will always be a sunny day. One thing that got me recovered somehow is, knowing how lucky and blessed I am, to have friend and families that never fail to put a smile on my face and being there for me whenever I needed them. That's more than enough to get me recover from the severe depression that I suffered. Sometimes, all you need to do is to slow down the footsteps and just look around, look at those people whom care about you and want what's best for you, those that always got your back. Thus, never give up in your dreams and goals.
A wonderful thing about the twenties is that, in many ways, it's a time of trial and error. You can still get away with dyeing your hair green or learning something new just because you feel like it. The twenties are a decade of first times, but on the downside, with every new start it seems like you're saying goodbye to something else. Because of this, the twenties are also characterized by loss, whether it's losing your first job or first love. You're also expected to move out, away from your family and childhood friends, and suddenly it feels like your're treading water, not quite knowing where to go next.
When you suffer from depression, that treading-water moment seems to last forever. Sometimes, when the depression is especially strong, all you seem to want to do is give in to the water and sink to the bottom.
2. Pressure and Isolation
There's a tremendous amount of pressure put on you when you're in the twenties or mid twenties. You want to succeed in your relationships, your jobs, your finances, all before you hit 30. With depression, this pressure becomes impenetrable, a thick fog that hovers over your head, telling you not to bother - you won't even achieve anything anyway.
When this fog comes rolling in, isolation seems like the logical next step : " Everyone is better than me anyway. I deserve to be alone." And so you slowly shut down. I spent most of my time at work or in my room, trying to figure out why everyone else was ahead of me, why they were enjoying life, why they were achieving things, why they were happy.
While isolation can be healthy, it can also completely suffocate you. When there's no one to interrupt your thoughts, you get caught in a negative cycle. That's why it's important to reach out to someone to get another perspective.
3. Irrational Anger
Depression and anxiety can lead to irritation with small everyday things that somehow manage to dominate your entire daily routine. There were times I'd run out of shampoo or cash and scold myself for not foreseeing this extreme failure, then retreat back to bed and declare that the day was doomed :"Maybe I'll try again tomorrow."
This isn't an ideal way to be when you're trying to become a fully fledged adult.
4. Feeling Like A Fraud
Depression often comes with a voice that tells you you're worthless, that everything you achieve is meaningless - which is why, when you do achieve something, instead of praising yourself, you get a sinking feeling that you've somehow manipulated your way into this achievement, that you don't deserve it, you're a fraud.
When I was offered my current job I felt an intense joy for 2 minutes, and then the crippling fear kicked in that it was all going to go terribly wrong. I refreshed my inbox 488,934 times to see if the offer hadn't evaporated, and when I was convinced that I really did get the job I felt terribly annoyed at myself : I'd somehow tricked these people into hiring me, and surely within one day they'd realize how shit I was.
Because of this, I can't remember my first day, or my first week. I went to the toilet on the hour to splash water on my face and keep it together, reminding myself, "You haven't done anything wrong, you're doing OK, " and as the days went by I was able to breathe easier and not worry so much.
The cheat sheet to being overwhelmed by these kind of negative thoughts, the kind that swarm your head like angry bees, is to isolate them, and more importantly counter them, one by one, so you can dig yourself out of the negative spiral.
5. Comparing Yourself
Because everything that happens to you in the twenties seems important and momentous, everyone documents all their milestones online. Of course it's great that milestones are celebrated, but seeing everyone's engagements, holidays, and successes on Instagram makes it very easy to compare yourself with everyone else in your age group.
They all seems to have better jobs and more friends and are in better shape, while you're just trying to figure out how to get through the day without crying inexplicably, or how you're going to get on the bus without having to run off because it's crowded and you're terrified you'll pass out.
6. The Fishbowl
Sometimes, I imagine depression to take the shape of a fishbowl surrounding you, especially when it's mixed with the anxiety of social situations. Let's say you're having dinner with friends in a restaurant: You want to be present, but your head feels heavy and suddenly it's like you're looking at everyone else through a fishbowl. The social anxiety has caused a disconnection between you and everyone else.
If you're like me and you've lived with this for as long as you can remember, it can be all the more frustrating. You know how your brain works, you're used to this feeling of disassociation, but annoyingly, you can't seem to prevent it.
You start to have a battle with yourself :" I want to be present, but I can't." Part of you wants to burst out of your aquarium and thrust yourself into the moment, but another part wants to lift your whole body inside of that fishbowl, curl up, hug your knees, and wait for it all to be over.
7. Relapses
Many people who suffer from depression in their twenties or mid twenties will have experienced depression at an earlier stage in life. After my first depressive episode I went through the motions of recovery, which involved counseling, group therapy, medication, a ton of peppermint tea, and a new love for writing. I've included some songs or photos in my so called diary. I think it was the act of writing that helped make me feel that I was part of the world, and not just a bystander.
I wasn't naive enough to think that that would be it, but when the symptoms came back again I did feel a sense of shame, and that going back to my medication was somehow a defeat.
On the flipside, being able to recognize that it was depression knocking on my door meant I could speed the process up a bit. In the past, I'd spent a lot of time going back to the doctor for things like "chronic fatigue" and "low blood sugar". I've had many needles poked into me, especially when I insisted that I must have low blood pressure, because why else did I pass out in public all the time?
It's very important to accept yourself, your body, and your mental health. Depression isn't your fault, it doesn't make you crazy, and, more important, it's nothing to be ashamed about.
8. Sex
Sex and depression are often incompatible, because how can you love someone when you can't love yourself? How can you get undressed in front of someone or lose yourself in the moment? On top of that, many antidepressants and SSRI are associated with a decrease in libido and an inability to orgasm.
9. Sleeplessness
Okan Caliyurt writes in Sleep and Quality of Life in Clinical Medicine that the most common sleep disturbance associateed with depression in insomnia. The relationship between insomnia and depression is bidirectional, meaning it's one of the symptoms of depression as well as a risk factor for depression. Not being able to sleep is a incredibly frustrating. Sleep, like breathing, is something that should come to you naturally. When it stops happening effortlessly, and you start trying too hard, things become problematic.
Everyone has different ways to cope with their insomnia ; luckily there's internet, a place that truly never sleeps. Just do a quick search and you'll find tons of forums and communities of people who are similar to you, and perhaps they also suffer from depression and share your struggle. The problem with these forums is that well-intentioned support can lead to the wrong type of support. When self-destructive behavior is normalized. It's easy to continue and not seek help. If insomnia is taking over your life, then you need to seek help.
10. Boredom
Depression is boring. Staying at home because you just don't have it in you to leave the house is boring. Lying in bed for weeks in the same clothes is boring.
There's a stereotypical image of a twenty something slacker bingeing their life away on Netflix and takeaway pizzas. That image isn't someone with depression. Depression ruins your favorite movies, let alone your relationship with food.
When your self-worth is at an all-time low, it seems futile to take care of yourself, go outside, or indulge in your favorite activities. However, it's precisely the small things - such as showering , brushing your hair, and making breakfast - that are important for recovery. Set yourself little goals you can tick off,no matter how small they seem.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life, but always remember that there will always be a sunny day. One thing that got me recovered somehow is, knowing how lucky and blessed I am, to have friend and families that never fail to put a smile on my face and being there for me whenever I needed them. That's more than enough to get me recover from the severe depression that I suffered. Sometimes, all you need to do is to slow down the footsteps and just look around, look at those people whom care about you and want what's best for you, those that always got your back. Thus, never give up in your dreams and goals.
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