What You Don't Know About Me

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. " 

You two are family. Maybe you grew up with them and were by their side for a huge chunk of their life. There was a lot of laughing, crying, and sharing. Some fighting too. 

You know how their brain works probably better than anyone else. But sometimes, in adulthood, those closest to you can become unrecognizable -- estranged, cold, and careless. For no apparent reason, you find yourself shut out of their life. Your peace-feelers are increasingly rejected. You've been left out in the cold. 

There is always a reason why people turn out the way they do. But, sometimes the metamorphosis is so gradual that it sneaks up on you, and one day, you wake up and wonder, "How did it come to this?" 

You want them back. So you start to question and blame yourself. Was it the time I chose to go to the party instead of being home with my mother? Was it when I too estranged and became heartless? What can I do to make it better? 

"While it's good to ask yourself such questions, sometimes the lesson you are meant to learn is to let go of the memory of who they were and accept who they have become" 

This is based on my own relationship with my 3 mothers, my uncle, aunt, and cousins. I'm an adopted child. We'd always been close when I was so much younger, I was so loved by everyone. Unfortunately, it all changed when I was 8 years old. I was living with my uncle and aunt. The love was unconditional until I started my first lie as well as stealing for the very first time. I remembered my first time lying was when my cousin took me out the whole day, there were some girls around, my cousin's fling ( well, he was young, wild and free), after a fun day as we about to head home, my cousin have told me, if aunt were to asked, I'd say he took me to the theater in exchange of lollipop , which was my favorite. I agreed upon the deal, came home to my aunt asking me questions, I remembered the deal I had with him, but my aunt have this big round scary eyes which she'd only show if she is terribly angry or sense a lies, I quickly told her the truth which result to my cousin yelling at me calling me a snitch. I was too young to understand what that even meant. Stealing, was when I witness him going into my uncle's room and came out with money in his pocket. I was young, thinking it is alright to do that, obviously I did the same but resulted to me being caned by my aunt and all the room doors are being locked whenever I am left alone at home. The only question I had was, why didn't my cousin got caned and why is it me? An incident occurred when I was about 8 years old as well, I called my uncle "daddy" after watching a movie about a father fighting a custody for his daughter, my uncle said some things which I will never forget " I am not your daddy, don't call me daddy". Fast forward, I moved back home to lived with mother because my aunt and uncle practically thinks stealing has been my habits and I am called a thief. Little did they know, I did that just to get their attention because I need some love too. Moving back home with mother was amazing but there was a lot of bittersweet. I was bullied at school terribly that no one believes that I was bullied including the school principle and I was called a troublemaker. Mother did not believed me either that one fine day she finally witnessed I was pushed down the stairs by fellow students. High school was rough because I got so rebellious that I started to argued with mother a lot. We have so much of disagreement basically in a lot of things. When I was 13, I was raped, mother said "You asked this for yourself, it is your fault that you got raped". I was not expecting this because I was hoping for a hug and comfort. We made a police report, while taking the statement, I was in the room with the policeman, the policeman molested me. I came out from the room, I told my mother but she did not believed me. My mother's friend, this uncle which I don't remembered his name, molested me multiple at our very house, my mother did not believed me until she caught it with her own eyes, but isn't it too late? The damaged has been done to me emotionally which leads to heavy depression and anxiety. I ran away from home at age of 15, went out of control that my cousin decided that she could help in making me better. Once again I was sent to lived with her, she was the one that I looked up to so much but I have disappointed her in a million ways that I used to thought she leave to Australia because of me. I used to blamed myself for how our relationship have fall out. For the second time I ran away from home, but this time I did not get away this easy, I was caught. The next day, I was sent to juvenile. A year in there, taught me a few things. I thought after I am out, my family members would changed but I found out that whilst I was inside the juvenile, I had written multiple letters, my uncle and aunt have received them letters, but never have they replied them. I even saw pictures of grandmother's funeral. That hit me real bad because it is my first regret in life. Long story short, I have the urge to pursue my studies which I have the support mainly from my aunt. Unfortunately, I have let her down, let my mother down most importantly I have let my uncle down, by dating this foreign man which at the end impregnates me and I had to undergo abortion. It was my mother whom decided to keep it a secret because she was afraid if my uncle finds out, I will be kicked out from the family. Mother thought that this would taught me a huge lesson that I would changed and come home and turn a new leaf. Little did they know depression has been eating me up, causing split personality in me. Anxiety causes me to have self doubt, suicidal thoughts. There was a man that I have dated for 4 years, we have our ups and our downs. Worst that happened, was he was the reason to the scar below my eyes. It was both of our fault because it takes two to tango. All these have effected me in so many different ways, failures in maintaining the relationship with the friends, families members, work, colleagues, so much more. PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, these are mental illness that I am battling through every single day of my life which I did not depend on medication or any help, spiritual journey has gone downhill. I couldn't remembered when was the last time I went to church or have a connection with GOD. Some days, I would look at myself like, hey, you are so  much more fortunate than anybody else. There are people or kids out there dying to have what you have, perhaps you should be grateful. Some days, things would happen that all I could think of is " I want to die". Some days I would have problems with sleeping that I cried in my sleep thinking how useless I am because of some comments people around have given me. Sharing my difficulties with others has been resulting as pity party or I am just an attention seeker or I am pathetic. My mother's passed have take a toll on me which I blamed myself for her death for 2 years now, couldn't let it go nor forgive myself. The biggest regret I have had after my grandmother passed whilst I was in juvenile. Over the few years, my relationship with the family has really gone downhill. I've struggled with the hurt of "losing" my family, as well as feeling of self blame as I struggled to find a reason for my change towards them. I have racked my brain for memories of what I could've done wrong, but my mind brings me back to when I was a child. 

Toxic family members cause a lot of stress on you. The manipulation, drama, neediness, criticism, jealousy, and other negative traits can drain you emotionally and make you feel bad about yourself. All of these things affect your health both directly and indirectly. The stress and anxiety affect your health directly, and your negative state of mind causes you to make decisions that negatively affect your health in a big way. 

I am going to be real honest here, some people reading this are actually the toxic person in the relationship. You have to take a look at your perception of yourself  then decide whether you are the one who is being the toxic person in the relationship. 

Sign you are toxic are as follows, and I found these signs in me whilst I was undergoing the self improvement process over the years of battling through mental illness. 

1. You have a lot of friends and family distancing themselves from you

2. People seem unhappy to be around you

3. You feel like a victim in life and verbalize it

4. You have to be control in everything that happens

5. You find yourself saying cruel things to other people 

6. You need to be validate by other people

7. You have an addiction problem

8. You are constantly thinking negative thoughts about yourself and life

9. You take everything personally and find ways to make other people pay for it

10. You gossip about others and put them down 

I saw these behaviors in myself after my mother passed, I have to admit that I was the problem and the root cause. I felt angry, upset, drained and mistreated by other people, that is because I am a toxic person who has very negative viewpoint of myself and I sent out a negative vibes to those around me. Mother passed was supposed to be a reason for me to stay stronger and fight the remaining battle, instead I let the situation take a toll on me and it is eating me inside and out. 

Total honesty will help you feel so much better about yourself and your family. If you can take the time to get honest about your toxic contribution to other people's lives, you will take the time to find ways to fix it. When that happens, you may find all your relationships suddenly become much more loving, energizing, and rewarding. 

It is important for you to do with all toxic family members that you teach people how to treat you by creating boundaries. Boundaries are the lines you draw that teach people how far they can push a situation before you will no longer take it. If they are making you angry, upset, or sick right now, then you have not drawn any boundaries and they will push you to your limits and beyond. 

You have to decide where your limits are and then let the toxic family member know where those limits are. For instance, if you do not want someone to take out their anger or pain on you, then you have to let them know that they are not allowed to do that to you. Let them know that you will not allow yourself to be treated like that anymore and that if they want a relationship with you, they will have to live with your boundaries and not go over the line. 

Keep in mind that some people are going to put up a fight to keep acting in a toxic way towards you. They have been used to mistreating you for so long that they can't understand why you suddenly have all these rules about how they can treat you in place. You must stand your ground and keep your boundaries in place. 

There is a good chance that your toxic family member will test your boundaries quite often. They will want to see how serious you are and how far they can push you. Don't give in just because you are starting to feel better about your relationship with them and you are questioning if you were just overreacting about their behavior. If you do, then things will go back to exactly how they were and it will be harder to get them to respect your boundaries in the future. 

If you set boundaries and they don't follow them, then this is your only option for sanity. Moreover, if you have had enough of their abuse and don't want to even try to set boundaries, then this option will give you the freedom you want. Keep in mind that they will be caught off guard and will likely have a lot to say about your decision. 

It can be hard to end a relationship with a toxic family members. So, you need to get a clear vision of why you are doing it. 

1. Write down exactly what they are doing to you and your health

2. Write down how you feel around them

3. Write down the benefits of ending the toxic relationship

Lastly, remind yourself  that it's not cruel to end a relationship with a toxic family member. It is a way to take care of yourself and your health when someone else is not willing to treat you with love and respect. If you spend another year around a toxic family member, that's a year's worth of damage done to your happiness and health. But, if you get out now, you will have that year to build a happier life and find fulfilling relationships that make you feel good about yourself. 

P/S:

Relationship I have with my family members have long fall out and apart ever since I moved out from the house and never had once came home unless it is festive season like Chinese New Year or Christmas. My mother passed, losing my best friends, estranged family situation that is still unresolved, has opened up my eyes in million things, the best lesson I have got is when I have moved to lived with my cousin. I am going to be very honest, I am doing my very best to work on the relationship I have with my both mothers. In my heart, I just felt like there is so much more to this family that I did not know about that they have kept it a secret from me. But all that aside, my mother is such a strong woman to be dealing with a hot-headed woman like me. I am grateful for her and of course, I prayed for her to be able to live longer to watch me grow as a person and made her proud while she is still here. One thing I want to tell the readers out here is that, it doesn't matter how toxic your family members are towards you, at the end of the day, the person that birth you, raised you, cursed you sometimes, hurt you with her words, she is still YOUR MOTHER. I do wish so badly that I can say what I wrote here to her and have her to understand how I truly felt but everyone in my family have different behavior and mother was such traditional minded that is very impossible to converse in this way with her. What is in the past, let it be in the past. Mother is a gate-way and access for a heaven pass, fix your relationship with your mother while you still can before it is too late.