A Letter To My Mama In Heaven ..

Every person gets a different amount of time in this life with their mother and everyone has an entirely different relationship with them. 

My time with my mother was cut short and I didn't get to have her as long as I would have liked. She got diagnosed with advanced cancer with right breast, and she passed away 2 and half years ago, November 17, 10:10 am. 

My years with my mother were short, wasted my time being rebellious, reckless, how dumb I was. If only I knew.. 

I lost way more than just my mother when she died. I did not get the chance to hugged her one last time as I get the news 3 days later after she had passed. That moment when I finally got my mobile phone from the workshop (the screen cracked and I was phone-less, family members were trying to reached me. There is one message with a voice-mail "her voice" ). I lost all of these things wrapped into one. I find myself talking to my mother all of the time, hoping that she can hear me. There are so many things that I hope she knows. 

I miss you. 

Visiting you at St. Mary Church ( your grave ), I don't want to believe you are no longer here. 

I miss you more than words could ever explain. I miss your smile, I miss your laugh, and I miss your hugs. Actually, I even miss the way you would yell at me for being disobedient and rascals. There is so much I miss. 

I miss you. It's been so long since I've heard your voice and seen your face it almost scares me that I'm going to forget the sound or the way you look. Sure, I have pictures to remind me, that doesn't mean anything compared to seeing you in person. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the fact that you're gone, I still couldn't accepted it. I just hope and pray every day that you're proud of me. 

I've had some really hard times without you that I've cried out loud that I just wished you were here. I have those times in private, but sometimes in public. I'm so blessed to have had the time I had with you, but I'll always believe you were taken from me way too soon. My everything, my life, just gone. They say time heals all wounds but not this one. This is an open wound that when prodded, just bleeds out for a long time. I've had no supporter to help me cope with your absence, but it doesn't matter. You're still gone and I'm still sad about it. 

I hope you know I love you. I love you with everything I've got and that I miss you more with every passing day. I hope you see everyone up in heaven and you brag about how proud you are of me. I wish you were here to see my accomplishments and see your beautiful smile just beam at me because you're so happy for me. I don't talk to many people about you because I have to talk in past tense and that brings on the sadness. When people hear that I've lost you they feel so sorry for me and they tell me how they can't imagine going through what I have, but I nod and say it's okay; that I've managed. The truth is, I barely have. I hope you know that I wish my life were different and that you were still here. 

I yell at everyone who is unappreciative of their mothers. The ones who say they hate them or that they're annoying, I get visibly angry at them and tell them how lucky they are to have them and to appreciate them before it's too late. I envy everyone who still has their mother as well. Granted, I've has some wonderful women act as second mothers, but no one could replace you. Not ever. 

I'll always be your little girl and I hope you're looking down at me, beaming with pride. Everything I do, I do it for you or with you in mind. No matter how much time goes on, I will always do things this way. Just remember, I love you more than I will ever love any person or anything in this world.