To The Guy Who Made Me Feel Worthless

It's been a while since I've written anything. The past couple of months have been a breaking point which leads to a 3 weeks off to my hometown (Malacca) for Christmas and New Year. 

Now that I am inspired to write again. I wanted to dedicate this post to any women out there who can relate to this post that I am about to write. Sometimes, your friends, your spouse, your boyfriend, your families members can make you feel worthless. Just know that you are not alone, there is some one out there some where is going through the same situation as you and have no one to reach out to or talk to. You are not worthless, you are worthy and beautiful, you are strong and independent women. 

I used to feel beautiful, unstoppable, like nothing could stand in my way. I felt like I was worth something and meant something to the people that knew me. 

I enjoyed making people laugh, bringing the light to someone's bad day, and just being there to listen to people that needed someone to hear them. 

Then you came along... 

You grabbed my entire identity, held it above your head, then grinned as you let it fall and shatter on the floor in a million pieces. 

I dropped to my knees, tried to pick up the pieces, tried to put them back together; you kicked them away with your boot, I looked up at you with pleading eyes, you  looked back at me with your icy blue, cold eyes. 

We had always had a rocky relationship, always fought, but I never thought you would turn out to be so cruel, heartless, and unconcerned. 

I used to love you; you were the most important person in my life, I ranked you above anyone else, that was my first mistake. Every cruel thing you can possibly say to someone ended up coming out of your mouth; each insult was like being physically hit so hard that it knocked the breathe out of me. 

The first insult weren't so bad; you told me you hated me, called me a b*tch, etc. 

At first I would brush them off, they were just words after all, right? When you saw that your words were no longer having an effect on me, you began calling me names a woman should never be called, told me no one would ever want to be with me, that I could never make anyone happy, I was the worst person you had ever met. Those started to hurt, but you still weren't satisfied. 

You began telling me a human like me should never exist, that I am an adopted child which has no standards and deserve nothing. 

I would usually just stare at you in disbelief; it was like you had just plunged a butcher knife into my heart and twisted it. 

I would always ask myself what I did to deserve such harsh words; we were once in love, you had even said you wanted us to get married once, how did it come to this? It was nothing but insults every time we spoke, I began to believe every word that came out of your mouth. 

And why wouldn't I? That's all you ever said to me; nothing nice, nothing positive, only angry, hurtful insults. 

You broke down my character, you made me feel like the worst person on Earth. You made me question my sanity; did I need to be on drugs? Was something wrong with me? Will my future kids turn out like their crazy mom? You made me question my future relationships; should I just stay single forever? 

Am I going to make the next guy hate me this much, too? You made me question my friendships and relationships with my family members; Do they all hate me? Do they all secretly wish I was dead or think I am a b*tch? Do I even have any friends or are they just people that feel sorry for me and feel the need to act like they care? 

You took every little bit of me and destroyed it, and you got joy out of it. You loved seeing the hurt in my eyes, the tears running down my face, enjoyed hearing the wounded tone in my voice. 

I put up with it for three and half years, if not more, then one night I finally said to myself "enough is enough". I finally let go of the relationship I had been trying so hard to save for the last three years of my life. 

I realized that regardless of whether we had something together or not, it was not worth putting myself through so much pain every day just to try make something work that was doomed from the start. I don't miss anything about you; I don't even know why I tried so hard to get us to be together and stay together. 

You could have cost me my life, everything I had worked so hard for in the last few years before you came along. You tried to turn everyone against me; most people you succeeded with but some still stayed loyal to me. 

I will never be able to get my reputation back, you tarnished that couple of years ago. I will never be able to convinced friends and family members that I'm not the b*tch you always describe me as. 

But who cares? I am alive and I am working on bettering myself each and every day. It is never too late to get up and tell yourself you're worthy and deserve everything this world has to offer. 

I shall end this post by saying, it doesn't matter if you're a man or woman, if you can relate yourself when reading this post, know that you are not alone. Each and every one of you is amazing, beautiful, talented beyond imagination. All you need to do is reach out to your inner-self, take a good look of yourself in front of the mirror and ask yourself these questions :

• If I am worthless, no employer will ever hires me 
• If I am worthless, no friends will ever approach me and be there for me when I needed them to 
• If I am worthless, my families members would care-less about my well-being 

The question above may not be strong or powerful enough to make you understand, but it is powerful enough to make you stand up for yourself for your best interest. No one can do it but you. God is always there if you ever needed him, one simple prayers and he shall show you the light.