11 Things I Miss About My Mom on The Anniversary Of Her Death

My mother died one year ago on the 17th November 2015. I somehow survived one full lap around the sun without my guiding light. Grief is an emotional vampire that, at times, sucked me dry of my reserve. I felt trapped in an endless, starless night...unable to see the dawn. 

So, I faked it. 

I smiled through the crippling pain. I laughed through the unrelenting heartache. I rejoiced through the hot tears that burned my cheeks. I didn't curl up in the fetal position to mourn my mommy because she never gave me that example during her 4 year duel with breast cancer. She wanted more for me, and I wanted more for her. Don't get me wrong -- I host pity parties for one -- but I don't overstay my welcome. Even though my mother's no longer here, she showed me the way. And I still ache for her guidance every day. 

Here's 11 things I miss about my beloved mother, Agatha Ng. 

1. I miss the way she answer the phone. She was the only I person I knew who would always pick up the phone when I called. I miss how she used to shout over the phone because she can't hear my voice clearly. The way how she used to cuss and said those cuss word, most of the cuss word she said, she had no idea what it meant. It was part of her charm. 

2. I miss her reassuring smiles, her warm, comforting embraces, her unparalleled compassion for anyone fortunate enough to look into her soulful, doe-shaped eyes. When the doctor told her he wasn't sure she would make it through the treatment, my mother consoled him. After all, he was the one who had to tell her she would probably die...and how hard was that? After the doctor, she comforted my first mother whom was there taking care of her. She asked to speak to me over the phone, but when she was told I was busy at work, though there is disappointment in her smiles and sadness but she definitely look beautiful and is the most beautiful woman in the intensive care unit. 

3. I miss her voice. I talked her from time to time. How is it possible I have survived 365 days without her telling me what the f*ck to do? 

4. I miss asking her questions only she can answer. Did I ever do ( silly kid behavior ) as a child, mom? What was I like when I was 4 years old? How was I different? 

5. I miss her inappropriate humor, her ability to deliver 1,000 cuss jokes flawlessly. She didn't forget punch lines, stammer or even warn you that she was about to tell a joke. She could have had a boo-free career as a stand up comedian. Only those with sense of humor or sarcastic enough to know what my mom saying was a joke and laugh out loud. 

6. I miss telling her about my life. Mommy, I am so stressed over work, do you remember this colleague I was telling you about? She really gave me a hard time at work. Naba is the best friend I ever had and I miss her so much, it's been month since I last saw her or hang out with her. My boyfriend is being a b*tch, I know you would definitely tell me to leave him. I was stupid then, well till now though. My favorite shopping spot is H&M, you won't believe that each time I enter I would spend least 400$. I know, I know, you would tell me to save my money. Sometimes, being alone doesn't mean you are alone but I bet you have enough of me dealing with some unwanted drama in life and not finding the right man to let you walk me down the isle. Your constant love and support sustains me.

7. I miss seeing her sitting across the hall by the altar with her rosary and pray. There was a magic about my mother though. The orange rosary that she have kept for so many years, appears so shiny so bright. What amazes me was her faith to GOD. She can sit across the room every day for least 2 hours and pray to GOD. She have never skipped a day for mass. Sick or rain or her hair was bald due to chemotherapy, she will walk for half an hour to church for Sunday morning mass. She would dragged me along with her, laziness or sleepy was never an excuse. 

8. I miss her handwritten letters. My mother never went to school and nor did she know how to write but her determination is what amazes me. She would spend hours and hours on a green, heavy book writing about income taxes, calculating the amount of expenses we had spend at home. I remembered one time, we had an huge argument, she got very upset, I did not know how to comfort her, instead I wrote a letter of apology to her. I still keep the letter that she replied. It took her least a week to write that letter. As I was reading the letter, I found myself sobbing terribly. 

9. I miss her validation. She helped me believed in myself. She dared me to dream. She told me the truth. I hoped she knew how much her opinion meant to me. 

10. I miss her companionship. She was my very best friend. A part of me was buried right next to my mother. 

11. I miss her love. No one loved me like my mother, and no one ever will again. 

Mama, I miss you so very much. It's been a year. A year mama. I can't seem to let you go because I am afraid that if I let you go, you will forget about me. I need you so very much. People think I am the strongest of them all, but deep inside I am so broken. I am sorry if I have misbehave when you are around, if I could just have one more chance to be with you, I would not trade it for anything. I have written so much letters and send it to heaven for you, have you received it? Have you read it? If only heaven can allow visitor for just a day. Mama, will you please come back ?