Happy Mother's Day

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Dear Mom, 

Can you get letters in heaven?

It's crazy to me that it's been 6 months since I've written those two words. It's also how crazy to me just how much has changed in time - how much I've change. 

It's been 6 months, 26 weeks and 180 hours since you said goodbye to me. I can't really explain where I am with that. Some days I talk about you like those memories just happened yesterday, and other days I feel like I dreamed you up. It's complicated. I don't even recognize myself in some moments as I read through old posts. I went through that? How did I get through that? I miss your smells and hugs. I can't even begin to tell you. 

Mini version? I've stopped giving a shit, but in the best of ways. I used to need everyone to like me and want to be my friend, but now I am who I am and let people accept that as they wish. Or not. Like I said, no shits to give. I stand up for myself. I wish I had the time or the energy find every a**-hole that walked all over me while I was grieving and verbally rip them a new one. If I gave any shits, the first person I'd have some words with would be this one person I dated, who shall remain nameless, that once get upset with me that my phone rang in the middle of the night (It was a friend, a FRIEND, who talked me through my tough times and nothing more, mind you, that was calling to catch up on a Friday night). I tried explaining this, when he cut me off to say " Don't use your mom's death as an excuse to be a SLUT." Really? Do you kiss YOUR mom with that mouth? It took me a split second to come to my senses and dump his ass. Oh, and according to some Facebook investigative research, he is with some so called "holy" chick, and MISERABLE. And getting old. Alone. This little slut classy broad would like to know what karma feels like, ya big JERK. 

Anyway, I digress! 

All those Mother's Day post that I saw over Facebook, Snap-chat as well as Instagram, got me missing you even more Mom. I have so much to share and so much to tell. I miss how we both used to get up in the middle of the night for some hot chocolate, and you would look at me and telling me how skinny I have become, that I needed to eat more. I miss how you used to stay 24/7 next to my bed when I am terribly ill. Every time I thought of you, my eyes are filled with tears . I asked myself this question couple of times when I am alone "Where would I go , if I can't go home?" . Mom, I really do not have an answer for that. I really hope this letter can reach to you, I hope you will read this letter, laugh and cry with me, thinking how silly your daughter is. No matter how many times, how hard I tried and tried to not cry, I just can't. And I guess that is one of the reason why you came into my dream this morning. It seems so surreal Mom, that I get to see your pretty face, but you did not stay longer, you left so soon. I begged for you to stay. 

I know from here on now, the journey is mine. I had to continue this, without you by my side, but with you in my heart. I would do anything to have you back here but I know and I guess I just have to accept that God love you more than I do. I just prayed that, one day , or maybe in the afterlife, you will be my mother again. I will always be your little princess ma.. 

I love you..
Kimmie 

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